…About the American Civil War
March 5th, 2010 by Buckshot Sundae
1. In a far-reaching plan to establish the greatest epic ever put on film, David O. Selznick’s great, great grandfather orchestrated the Civil War to maximum dramatic effect from within the Confederacy to provide the basis for Gone with the Wind.
2. The call for the abolishment of slavery stemmed from Abraham Lincoln’s reaction to an early Hey Hey It’s Saturday blackface skit.
3. Many young men joined the Union with the assumption there would be free tickets to Def Leppard given out after the war. There were no tickets. Those men died for nothing.
4. Before serving as President of the Confederate States of America, Jefferson Davis played flute alongside Lincoln’s sax in an up-and-coming two-piece jazz outfit. After the secession, Lincoln replaced Davis with Pan, the flute-playing god from Greek mythology. The new duo charted a number-one hit with the song Instrumental Viking Rush before separating due to creative differences.
5. The Great Gazoo, the little green alien in The Flintstones that only Fred and Barney could see, was actually inspired by a passage in the memoirs of Major General Ambrose Burnside. Burnside blamed his defeated at the Battle of Fredericksburg on the advice of a small green man that only he could see. Curiously, many historians believe this battle to be the same point at which the war jumped the shark.
6. The colours of the North and South would later be adopted by the Bloods and Crips to stage Civil War re-enactments which ultimately got a little out of hand.
7. Ulysses S. Grant was not birthed from a woman. Grant originally entered the world as an effigy made of tampons, but came to life Pinocchio-style with the help of a magical elk who suffered from down-syndrome. After Grant’s wholly unselfish donation of all his chocolate and peanut butter rations towards the end of war, the magical elk decided to turn Grant into a real man, albeit with laughably-sized genitalia.
8. Grant’s military knowledge was founded on both Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and Bobby Flay’s Burgers, Fries and Shakes. Flay’s critically-acclaimed book from the future proved instrumental in teaching the troops the psychology of the Southern Man. Upon learning of Grant’s literary assistance, General Thomas Jackson of the Confederates attempted to utilise the knowledge gained from one of his father’s old copies of Juggs. The results were mixed.
9. Recently unearthed historical photos of John Wilkes Booth bear more than a passing resemblance to the T-1000’s default facial features.
10. Robert E. Lee once ate a flamethrower when his favourite bar was out of chilli.
11. Contrary to popular belief, Marvel Comics’ Civil War series was not based on the American Civil War. The inspiration for the Marvel Civil War came from the classic Disney cartoon ‘The New Neighbor’, in which Donald Duck and his neighbour Pete mounted a campaign of malicious pranks against each other. Key elements of this cartoon can be seen in Marvel’s adaptation, significantly the scene where Goofy assassinates Donald Duck on the steps of a federal courthouse using his expert sniper skills.
12. The tide of the war was turned by William Sherman’s famous Naked Kill Squad. These soldiers disobeyed a strict rule of engagement at the time: never shoot a man who isn’t wearing pants.
13. Every 10th solider killed earned a trooper 20 Achievement points for their XBox 360 Gamerscore.
14. The American Civil War has provided the backdrop for some of the greatest Hollywood movies of all time: Glory, Gettysburg, The Patriot and Timecop.
15. Approximately 46,000 soldiers fell at the Battle of Antietam. Half of them got back up again.
