Awesome Christmas Movies
December 24th, 2009 by Buckshot Sundae
Christmas at Hostel
After delivering his presents across Eastern Europe, Santa decides to end Christmas Eve by visiting a prostitute. Unfortunately, evil doesn’t take a holiday. Santa is drugged with Rohypnol, waking on Christmas morning in a dungeon handcuffed to a chair. He’s just been dragged into an underground ring of human torture, but Santa refuses to play the part of a helpless victim…
Merry Christmas with a Vengeance
When terrorists gain control of his workshop, Santa and his close friend Samuel L. Jackson take back the North Pole using nothing but their razor-sharp wits and unlimited supply of ammunition. An escape from overwhelming terrorist forces by running barefoot across broken Christmas lights may not leave Santa feeling very jolly, but once he gets a machine gun? HO HO HO.
2 Merry 2 Christmas
After a string of high-speed sleigh hijackings, the FBI tasks Santa with infiltrating an illegal sled-racing circuit in the hopes of uncovering the perpetrators. As he becomes more deeply entwined in this world of tight-knit brotherhood and bitter rivalries, Santa’s loyalties (and his 10-second sled) are pushed to their very limit.
Rujo
After eating an expired box of Corn Flakes, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer contracts rabies and terrorises the inhabitants of Santa’s workshop. Trapped inside her absent husband’s malfunctioning old sleigh, an adulterous Mrs. Claus and her elven lover watch on helplessly as the rabid reindeer patrols outside. With temperatures dropping and no sign of help on the way, this psychological horror movie proves to be one of the tensest Christmas tales of all time.
Cannonball Christmas
With the bank threatening to foreclose on his workshop loan, Santa (Dom DeLuise) teams up with has-been race car driver JJ McScrooge (Burt Reynolds) to win the $200,000 prize in a wild and illegal cross-country race against a wide variety of eccentric competitors. Featuring cameo performances from Phil Collins, Bob Geldof, Simon Le Bon, Bono, George Michael, David Bowie, Sting, Boy George and Paul McCartney.
Jingle all the Slay
A retired soldier and harried father, Colonel John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger), is determined to secure this season’s must-have gift in order to fulfil his daughter’s ultimate Christmas wish. But Matrix has a problem: stocks of the toy are dwindling across the city as parents engage in a cutthroat battle to obtain the precious few remaining toys. In a last-minute race to obtain the prize, Matrix shoots, stabs, punches and explodes his way through hordes of consumers, leaving a trail of one-liners in his wake.
Leaving the North Pole
After being laid off from the production line at Santa’s workshop due to his rampant alcoholism, a depressed elf sets out into the frozen wastes with a mission of drinking himself to death. In this most unlikely of locations, he meets a beautiful hooker with a heart of gold, and the two begin an uneasy friendship, forming a bond of unconditional acceptance that will change Christmas forever.
White Velvet
David Lynch brings us a cinematic masterpiece that exposes the hidden underbelly of modern suburbia during one snowy Christmas. While strolling through a derelict park, Santa finds a severed finger. Then a lot of mundane stuff happens, none of which entirely makes sense. And then Dennis Hopper is filmed complaining about Heineken and it’s incorporated into the movie for some reason.
