It begins in feudal Japan. Except it’s not really the feudal Japan that we know from history. It has the same design aesthetic in terms of architecture and costumes, but there are robots ninjas. Everything else looks exactly like feudal Japan, though. And the samurais are human so they bleed. Anyway, the audience isn’t going to need a history lesson. It’s just feudal Japan. But with armies of evil robots. And the samurais ride elephants and have chariots pulled by lions.

We zoom in from the upper atmosphere until we’re smack bang in the middle of this epic twelve-minute battle sequence where it’s ninjas and samurais and elephants and rhinos and AT-AT walkers just going at each other, throwing ninjas stars, hacking off limbs, decapitations, gouts of blood and sparks, explosions. Think of every battle scene in Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings and condense them into twelve minutes. That’s how crazy it needs to be. And the music is like the Indiana Jones theme song done by Metallica, but if Metallica were more like a wandering troupe of musicians in feudal Japan.

Suddenly there’s this noise. Kind of like the TARDIS makes, but more like if the TARDIS was a Mack Truck going 700 mph. And the whole sky turns red as this massive sword comes down from outer space like a meteor. It impacts like a couple of planes hitting the World Trade Center, scattering the combatants as giant clouds of dust roll away from ground zero. In the wake of this crash the whole place is deathly silent, the surviving ninjas and samurais no longer fighting, just staring in bewilderment at this fuck-off huge sword impaled in the middle of the battlefield. Except it’s not really a giant sword. It’s actually a spaceship from another dimension that just happens to be shaped like a medieval weapon.

Anyway, this door slides opens in the blade’s handle, weird red gas escaping from within, and a ramp descends to the ground. Big suspense building moment as the audience waits to see who – or what – is going to emerge. The music goes all like an Ennio Morricone western soundtrack with heaps of trumpets and clanging cymbals as the atmosphere of tension just grows until we almost can’t bear it anymore. And then, as the gas finally dissipates, we can see the curvy silhouette of a woman. She comes forward.

It’s revealed to be a female elf. (Ideally she would be played by Scarlett Johannson because she’s smoking hot and this role includes lots of nude scenes.) Her costume is almost the same as the gold bikini Leia wore in Return of the Jedi but it shows way more flesh. She surveys the battlefield with her brilliant pink eyes and then removes a laser pistol from the holster on her G-string.

“So,” she says. “Which one of you is God?”

The occupants of the swordship are elves who’ve been travelling across the universe and jumping between dimensions on a mission to find God. They look kind of like the Blood Elves in World of Warcraft but also kind of like Night Elves, too, combined with those other elves in Hellboy II and The Lord of the Rings. And they have an arsenal of sweet elf moves like that one Legolas used when he jumped on the shield to slide down that staircase while simultaneously firing arrows in The Two Towers. Except these elves also have laser guns that make you age in a microsecond until you’re just a skeleton turning to dust. They still use swords, too, but they are laser swords (like lightsabers). And the elves move so fast that we’ll have to use bullet-time in every action sequence just to understand what the fuck is actually happening onscreen, otherwise it’d just be continuous blurs.

The evil robot ninjas and the samurai team up to defeat this new threat from another world, but they are practically all slaughtered by the superior technology and fighting skills displayed by the horde of attractive elves pouring down the ramp onto the battlefield. There are male elves too, but they wear full-bodied outfits that are similar to the uniforms in Star Trek except they’re made from black leather, so they look more like the X-Men (the movie versions, not the spandex comic versions). In real-time it would be a fifty-second battle, but in bullet-time it actually takes fifteen minutes onscreen. The music should be some kind of hardcore techno with sixteen million beats per second. The elves do summersaults and roundhouse kicks and can jump fifty feet into the air, combining their awesome physical attacks with both laser swords and guns in a level of action choreography we’ve never seen before onscreen. Like the moves in Equilibrium mixed with The Matrix and Blade and Jet Li-style kung fu and shit. It’s crazy, but there’s none of that rapid-cut editing stuff where we can hardly make out what’s happening. When the elves shoot the robot ninjas they go all rusty and then crumple into dust. Their kicks are so powerful that samurai heads go flying off, and punches go right through chests.

When the battle is over the elves are just hanging out surrounded by the dust and severed limbs of their enemies. To regain their strength the elves have to make out with each other. No guy-on-guy action but the elf chicks make out with other elf chicks, too. And while she’s got like a harem of other elf chicks licking blood off her thighs we find out the Scarlett Johannson chick is actually the elf princess. Her name is DESTINY.

The reason the elves are looking for God is because Destiny wants to kill Him, but we don’t learn exactly why. That’s a mystery to be revealed later. The swordship was damaged in the crash and they can’t leave the planet until they find a new jump drive, so the elves send out parties to scout the countryside.

The elves manage to capture a robot ninja by freezing him with ice lasers. It turns out the robot ninjas come from the future so they all have jump drives built into them which are compatible with elf technology. This seemingly-convenient plot device will be explained later when the audience learns that the elves’ ancestors actually created the robot ninjas and sent them out into the universe as the first scouting parties looking for God, but that happened so many years ago the current generation of elves don’t know about it yet.

In the meantime: Destiny is bathing in a nearby river, washing off the remaining dust and blood of her victims while the rest of her people fix the swordship. And then a samurai, RONIN, wanders out of the bushes. He’s got epic sideburns and should probably be played by Vin Diesel – but only after he has plastic surgery to make him look Japanese. The sword hanging in a sheath over his shoulder is actually bigger than he is – and Ronin is a very big, muscular fellow – but this weapon doesn’t even weigh him down. He watches Destiny erotically splashing water over her naked skin for several minutes before she notices him there.

When Destiny reaches for her gun on the riverbank, Ronin leaps through the air super-fast and lands with his feet on the gun so she can’t actually shoot him. So instead she fights him bare-handed and naked, but Ronin is like awesome strong so it’s a fair battle that ends with him grabbing her by the hair and pulling her toward him.

Destiny is amazed. “Are you God?”

He says, “No, I am Ronin.”

She says, “I love you, Ronin.”

They have sex on the riverbank. It’s like a half-hour scene, because this is the first time we’ve ever seen an elf and human mate, so it deserves some respect. It’s also really tastefully filmed: we get to see all of her bits, but we don’t have to see any of his. And Destiny knows all these kinky new moves that you won’t even find in the Kama Sutra (don’t worry, I’ve made diagrams). The music is like a 70s jazz/funk soundtrack with chicka-wah-wah guitar that builds into this epic climax as they both orgasm massively. She rakes her long fingernails over Ronin’s flesh but he just heals like Wolverine.

She says, “If you aren’t God, what are you?”

Ronin says, “I am the son of God.”

Destiny says, “Wow, I’m looking for God! Will you be my guide?”

“Yes, all the way to the end of the universe.”

So, enlisting Ronin’s help, they both return to the repaired sword-spaceship. Some of the elves aren’t happy about teaming up with Ronin, but Destiny just decapitates them in front of everybody.

“This man is our key to finding God! Any who oppose my rule shall die. Who else wants to challenge me?”

The surviving elves agree to bring Ronin along, so they board the ship and fire up the jump drives. The swordship extracts itself from the earth like King Arthur removing Excalibur from the stone, and then it swings around and points to the heavens, blasting off into outer space.

The ship, flying at lightspeed, harmlessly passes through an asteroid field, deflecting the massive rocks like they are mere insects in its path. We hear an expository voiceover…

Destiny: “So, Ronin, where are we going?”

Ronin: “In order to find God, one must first consult with the Intergalactic Oracle at Delphi 9.”

Destiny: “But the Oracle is just a myth! Nobody has ever found Delphi 9… or at least they’ve never lived to speak of it.”

Ronin: “Luckily, I was born with a map to its location tattooed on my inner thigh.”

Destiny: “Hmm. As the best navigator on this ship, I will be required to make a thorough inspection.”

The ship emerges from the asteroid field into clear space. We hold this view as it disappears into the far reaches of the galaxy.

Later, on the ship’s bridge, Ronin is whittling a piece of rock with his own bare hands. Destiny controls the flight of the spacecraft by riding an ultra-high-tech Sybian whilst upside down. For added cyberpunk appeal, she is also wearing those large biker goggles Trent Reznor donned in the film clip to Closer. Various other elves are scattered around the command centre, which is an exact replica of the bridge from the Starship Enterprise. Each male elf controls a station featuring illuminated panels we’d like to see explode.

As Ronin puts the finishing touches on his perfectly-whittled shuriken, red lights and sirens bathe the cockpit. A nearby elf dives at Ronin, knocking him to the ground as several wrecking ball-sized orbs smash through the walls of the room. Ronin turns to witness the balls impacting with several elves, causing their bodies to explode like overripe tomatoes, sending fragments of humanoid remains across the room. This is some heavy shit, considering only moments ago we assumed these elves were practically invincible. In mid-flight, many of these giant balls unfold to reveal the projectiles are in fact tightly-contorted lizard creatures, fully-armed with laser whips and flamethrower cocks. These imposing beasts stand 12-feet tall with arms the size of a regular man’s torso. The ship’s interior alert system begins to repeat the words “SPACE PIRATE BREACH” as Destiny seamlessly flips from her masturbation-controlled steering device and lands, kneeling next to Ronin.

“I hate these cunts,” she announces, pulling a small baton from her belt. With the single press of a button, the baton extends and inflates to form a 7-foot long adamantium axe. Destiny quickly turns to Ronin.

“Their scales are made from diamonds which deflect any laser weapons. Only physical attacks can destroy them!”

She leaps forward, cutting one space pirate in half vertically. She then leaps back into the air, kicking both halves of the space pirate apart by doing the splits midair Once Upon a Time in China-style.

Ronin dives forward and tears off the arms of an unprepared space pirate. In a single motion, he then ties the arms together with loose space pirate muscle sinew and uses the arms as a huge nunchuck. A space pirate’s torso is knocked off its body while Ronin spins around and swings both nuckchuck arms into either side of another space pirate’s head, vaporizing it upon contact. (This particular fight sequence has to go slower than bullet-time, so it looks like the awesome combos you can rack up in Ninja Gaiden 2 on Xbox 360. There should even be a hit counter in the corner so you can get a precise indication of just how hard Ronin is fighting.)

After an intense 627-hit combo, the fight is over. Gore drips from every surface of the bridge. The structural integrity of the ship is at critical mass as the remaining elves tend to the injured and dying.

Destiny says, “We need to initiate emergency healing protocols!”

Because the elves heal through sexual activity, the following sequence is a prolonged full-crew orgy in zero gravity. (I don’t need to describe this scene because I have drawn a hundred pages of very detailed storyboards for producers. However, it is important to note the elf ship is bonded to their own health, so as the orgy begins to reach frenzied proportions the structural damage around the ship begins to mend like a regenerating Cylon Basestar.)

Later, the fully-repaired ship hovers in orbit above Delphi 9, a seemingly-inhospitable ice planet like Hoth. Destiny’s voiceover explains that she and Ronin will be descending to the planet alone, because the mission is too dangerous to risk further casualties.

On the planet’s frozen surface we see a herd of omnivorous reptomammals. Imagine a velociraptor mating with a kangaroo – these creatures are exactly what the offspring would resemble. They have both scales and fur, standing tall on hind legs with a long tail and small forelimbs. They’re doing whatever omnivorous reptomammals do while they’re herding around a barren ice planet. That part doesn’t really matter, because we’re only watching them for twenty seconds before Destiny and Ronin materialise in the middle of the herd after getting beamed down to the planet’s surface.

The creatures are startled – except for the largest male, which confidently strides up to the intruders and lets out a menacing bellow in Ronin’s face, coating him with gelatinous spittle while revealing rows of very sharp teeth. Ronin doesn’t flinch. When the creature has finished asserting its dominance, they are standing with their faces only a few inches apart, glaring at each other. Then Ronin abruptly headbutts the beast and it falls dead. The herd scatters. Destiny looks at Ronin with an expression that clearly matches what the audience is thinking: “This guy is so awesome!”

Of course, like any good hero, Ronin is actually oblivious to his awesomeness. He is instead single-mindedly focused on the task at hand. He says, “The Oracle lives beneath the planet’s surface. We must break through the ice to reach him.”

“But this ice must be at least 100,000 feet thick!”

Ronin looks down, using his x-ray vision. “The Oracle’s cavern is 123,597 feet below us.”

“It’ll be freezing down there!” Destiny says. To emphasise how cold these conditions are, we see a close-up of her rock-hard nipples protruding through the solid gold bikini.

This next sequence is a deliberate nod to that scene in The Empire Strikes Back where Han cuts open the dead tauntaun and places Luke inside to keep him warm. Now, you may be thinking that Ronin will cut open the dead creature nearby… but that would be ripping off George Lucas and it would totally defeat the purpose of displaying Ronin’s self-sacrificing nature. Instead, Ronin cuts open his own chest with a lightsaber, opening his body vertically from the collarbone down to his waist. And unlike a tauntaun, all of his internal organs remain fixed in place. Steam wafts from his innards.

“Hurry,” he tells Destiny. “Climb inside me before I heal. My body heat will prevent you from getting hypothermia.”

Because Destiny has a considerably smaller frame than Ronin, she easily fits inside his chest cavity. His healing factor kicks in and seals the wound around her, leaving only Destiny’s head emerging from Ronin’s chest to form a brilliant two-headed amalgamation of beauty and muscular toughness.

Destiny says, “And I thought you felt good on the outside!”

“Close your eyes,” Ronin says. “You may get dizzy.”

He begins to spin around on the spot like a human power drill, burrowing through the ice at tremendous speed, descending far beneath the planet’s surface until he breaks through to a massive ice cavern. Ronin drops a clear thousand feet to the floor below, landing in a deft crouch. It’s very dark in here, but Ronin stands in the lonely shaft of light coming down through his self-created tunnel above. There is the sound of something gigantic moving in the shadows nearby. The music should build forebodingly, a drumbeat played upon percussion instruments that are sculpted entirely from ice. Ronin clicks his fingers and the area is suddenly illuminated by hundreds of torches mounted upon the walls of the cavern.

The Oracle looms before them. It will be depicted via 2D animation that interacts with live performers like the technology they used to make Who Framed Roger Rabbit? It’s an overweight slug-like creature drawn anime-style; a mixture between Jabba the Hutt, an octopus and Martin Lawrence in a fat suit. Hundreds of tentacles slither across the floor, propping its fat body high above our heroes.

“Who dares enter my abode?!”

(The Oracle should be voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait.)

Destiny emerges from Ronin’s body like a chestburster in Alien, covered in gore. Her momentum doesn’t even budge Ronin – he is like a terracotta warrior that heals from all wounds.

Destiny kneels before the massive creature. “Oh, wise one. We humble intruders have come to seek your infinite knowledge.”

“You should be aware that my knowledge comes with a price.”

“I am willing to pay any price for an audience with God.”

“You seek the location of God? The cost of such privileged information will be… extremely hefty.”

“Whatever it takes.”

The Oracle considers the unlimited possibilities, running one greasy tentacle across its drooling mouth. “Then you shall gratify me sexually in exchange for this information. Do we have a deal?”

Destiny says, “Okay.”

Ronin steps forward. “No.”

“We have no other choice,” Destiny tells him. “And it’s my choice, Ronin.”

She does not allow him to protest any further, shedding her bikini and standing before the Oracle, a willing sacrifice. “My body is yours.”

“Excellent.”

Tentacles snake forward across the ice, encircling her ankles and wrists, pulling her arms and legs until they’re spread wide apart. The Oracle raises Destiny high into the air, sampling her crotch with its forked tongue as more tentacles writhe across her exposed flesh. She shudders with revulsion as tentacles gently penetrate her orifices, but she doesn’t fight it even when the sexual activity grows more disturbingly relentless. Ronin helplessly watches as the Oracle defiles her. This uncomfortable (yet oddly titillating) scene is designed to showcase the resolve both characters have to find God.

Once Destiny is brought to her torturous climax, she passes out with relief. The Oracle holds her upside down with a single tentacle wrapped around both legs, bellowing laughter at Ronin.

“God can be found in the outer Theta Quadrant of the Proplaxia Nebula in the Phasia Galaxy. You will know when He is close, for you will begin to smell a strong odour of diamonds.”

Ronin outstretches a hand, performing a single gesture to indicate that he wants Destiny back now. The Oracle remains motionless.

“No. The female remains with me. This is the price one pays for a session with the Almighty.”

The Oracle begins to laugh again, the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. Ronin is silent, narrowing his eyes. The soundtrack is a lonely shamisen being plucked – the eerie stringed instrument from the Lone Wolf and Cub films. It’s the classic ambience that serves as prelude to a technically-flawless samurai battle.

Ronin delicately unsheathes his blade. “You have made a grave mistake, Oracle.”

The Oracle screeches more laughter. “Do you seriously hope to defeat me alone?”

“Not alone,” Ronin says. He clasps the sword in both hands, raising it above his head, pointing the blade toward the heavens like Prince Adam calling upon the power of Grayskull. He shouts: “SUMMON WILDCAT!”

Lightning springs from the blade, creating a whirlwind of electricity around Ronin as the wildcat materialises underneath him. It’s about the size of triceratops, green fur with yellow stripes, wearing an armoured red saddle that Ronin now sits upon. The wildcat roars, displaying razor-sharp fangs made of pure silver.

“Noooo!” The Oracle screams in terror. “I’m allergic to cats!”

While the Oracle is distracted, Ronin throws his shuriken. We track the spinning blades through the air in bullet-time as the shuriken arcs toward the tentacle Destiny is hanging from, speeding up as the blades slice clean through the creature’s flesh, severing the appendage. She begins to fall, but the wildcat leaps into the air where Ronin catches her with one strong arm, laying her carefully across his waist, hacking at more tentacles with the sword in his other hand. The wildcat runs across the ice walls of the chamber, shredding any tentacles in its path, ripping and tearing with its teeth and claws. The Oracle howls with pain, flailing uselessly.

The massacre is finished quickly: the Oracle is left with no tentacles, a blubbering mess heaped upon the icy floor of the chamber. Ronin dismounts the wildcat, approaching his enemy.

“You’ve won,” the Oracle cries. “Kill me and be done with it.”

“No,” Ronin says nobly. “You must live on, knowing that your greed and your hubris are responsible for the injuries that have been inflicted upon you.”

“I can’t live like this! Please, kill me. I beg you, Ronin. Show mercy and end my horrible life.”

“No. You must suffer for your crimes. I have left you with no tentacles, so you are incapable of killing yourself. You will remain here forever in a prison of your own making.”

Ronin turns away, replacing his sword in its sheath before walking back to the wildcat. “You may go now, my old friend. I will not call upon you again. Your debt has been repaid in full.”

The wildcat growls in response. Its dialogue is subtitled: “Thankyou, Ronin. I will return to my family now, free of shame.”

The wildcat fades away. Ronin picks up the unconscious Destiny, carrying her over his shoulder. He leaps up through the ice tunnel above, leaving the Oracle to its miserable fate below.

Later, in the medical bay of the elf ship, Destiny lies naked in a healing pool – like those tubs Angelina Jolie used in Wanted, but more technologically advanced, like a Cylon rebirthing tank. Ronin has been waiting dutifully by her side the whole time, meditating in the classic Lotus position. When Destiny wakes, Ronin also rouses. Their eyes meet; they share a brief, silent moment in which she instantly understands that he defeated the Oracle in her defense.

“I can smell diamonds,” she says.

“Yes,” Ronin says. “God is nearby.”

“You got his location?”

“We have just arrived.”

Outside, we can see the ship hovering in the golden haze that surrounds a massive planet below. Its surface appears to be composed of diamonds, the bright core shining through with the power of a thousand burning suns. On the ship’s bridge, Destiny – now wearing a silver bikini and matching thigh-high boots – gazes out at heaven. They have finally reached the end of their quest.

“It’s beautiful,” she says.

The voice of God booms out through space. He sounds like a computer-synthesized combination of Skeletor, a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Morgan Freeman. He says, “Thankyou. But I know you have come to destroy me. And I know that you plan on deploying my son as a weapon against me. So, in turn, I must use your own creations against you.”

An armada of robot ninjas flies out from the planet. These are similar models to the robot ninjas encountered in the beginning of the movie, but with God’s help they have evolved over the centuries. They have missile launchers on their backs and wear the exact same masks as the guys from Daft Punk. These Daft Punk robots surround the swordship like a swarm of angry hornets.

Destiny turns to Ronin. “What is He talking about? We didn’t create the robot ninjas!”

“But your ancestors did,” Ronin explains. “They sent the robot ninjas out into the universe as the first scouting parties looking for God.”

“Nothing will stand in our way,” Destiny says. “Everyone, get to your battle stations!”

Ronin, Destiny and the other elite warriors climb into torpedo tubes before they are launched into outer space. Elf gunners mount laser turrets which protrude from the swordship’s exterior along the length of the blade, taking aim at the horde of Daft Punk robots.

Now, before I even begin describing the epic action scene that follows, it’s important that we address the issue of robot blood. Typically in film and television, robots are used as a more family-friendly recipient of violence. This is FAIL – and it will not be the case in my movie. The Daft Punk robots will have cybernetic muscle and veins under their plated exterior. Fluorescent blue blood and chunks explode from the robots when they are hacked, slashed and detonated. Imagine that each robot is a bit like Mary Poppins’ bag. Just replace ‘bag’ with ‘ninja robot’ and ‘spoonful of sugar’ with ‘Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with cybernetic gore’ and you should understand the level of carnage we’re about to deal with.

Spinning her sword in front of her like a helicopter blade, Destiny’s rocket boots ignite and she flies through space like Iron Man with Ronin straddling her back. This epic dogfight sequence will last around ten minutes, with lasers firing everywhere, robots exploding and missiles flying all over the place as the elves zoom around space, ducking and weaving and hacking away. We see occasional missiles impacting with the swordship. The soundtrack is Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ played by a 164-piece orchestra conducted by John Williamson and featuring special guest appearances by Slash on guitars, Flea on bass, Tommy Lee on drums and Prince on vocals.

Ronin yanks a missile launcher away from a passing Daft Punk robot. As Destiny propels through space obliterating robots, Ronin throws missiles at the incoming opposition with the practiced arm of a javelin champion. Once the missiles run out, Ronin leaps from Destiny’s back as another projectile streaks overhead, grabbing onto it. He’s hanging underneath while the missile flies toward the swordship, but before it can impact he swings around to stand upon the missile like a surfboard, steering it away from the target. While riding the missile he punches through oncoming robots, his fists going right through their torsos. After just a few seconds he has three robots impaled on each arm, bunched up around his biceps like crumpled metal sleeves. He steers the missile toward a cluster of robots and leaps off just before impact. The force of the explosion tears the robot sleeves from his arms, burning away layers of his flesh until we can see his muscle tissue underneath, shrapnel peppering his body like an eruption of metal acne.

But Ronin’s healing factor just knits his skin back together, forcing the shrapnel back out until it drifts away through space. He lands on Destiny’s back again, sitting comfortably like he’d never left.

Most of the other elves are eventually hit by missiles, exploding in buckets of gore while God’s booming laughter fills the void of space. Soon, only Destiny and Ronin remain alive, vastly outnumbered.

The Daft Punk robots swarm together, forming a giant hollow sphere around them, blocking escape in every direction. Simultaneously, the robots all fire their missiles. It’s like that scene in Hero where Jet Li faces all of those arrows raining down like a thick cloud, but instead the arrows are replaced with missiles here.

Ronin enters Super Saiyan mode, energy exploding from within his doubling body mass, growing vertical hair that is brilliantly white and moving like flames upon his scalp. Now he’s even more badass simply for being a fiery blonde. Ronin only needs to whip his hands around pointing at incoming missiles and they explode from the sheer force of his telekinetic energy. We’re talking stylish jive-pointing here, like the way Fonzie would point slickly at Potsie when Potsie finally grasped the Fonz’s point. Only, in this situation, Potsie would vaporise and the Fonz would fly through the roof to score some space poon.

Ronin sends out a massive blast of energy that disintegrates all of the remaining Daft Punk robots, leaving our heroes with clear access to the planet beyond… or so they think. God booms supercilious laughter; it sounds like an intergalactic hyena with a superiority complex.

“Your transformative energy is no match for my own, Ronin.”

Like Unicron in the 1986 Transformers movie, the diamond planet begins to transform. It morphs from diamonds to organic matter, sprouting six tentacles while the core opens to reveal an enormous, glowing eyeball. The whole planet mutates in much the same manner as the creatures in John Carpenter’s The Thing. The music here is the soundtrack to the final boss battle against Andross in Star Fox on Super Nintendo. And to prove this really is the final boss battle, God’s health bar appears at the top of the screen. 

God has only one basic attack for the moment. He will try smashing Destiny and Ronin with one of his tentacles. They’ll know He’s about to attack whenever a tentacle pulls back like God is preparing to throw a devastating punch, so they dodge the incoming attack by flying to one side as the tentacle lashes forward. He repeats this process six times before roaring in frustration, briefly leaving Himself open to attack. Whenever God takes a break, glowing rings appear on the middle of each tentacle, indicating His weak spots.

After the first round of attacks, Destiny says, “I’ve figured out his pattern and identified his weak spots! We have to wait until after every sixth attack, then hit those glowing rings on his tentacles.”

God launches another round of attacks, which they skilfully dodge until he leaves himself open again. “Now!” Destiny shouts. She fires her laser gun at the weak points on God’s tentacles while Ronin thrusts both palms forward, sending a burst of Super Sayain energy forth in the form of blue fireballs that explode like Molotovs as they impact with the tentacles. They manage to sever one tentacle, decreasing God’s health bar by a corresponding sixth, before he resumes his attack. This dodge-and-attack process is repeated until only three tentacles and half of God’s health bar remain intact.

Now God changes his pattern, lashing out with all tentacles simultaneously. This three-pronged attack is much harder to avoid: Destiny is unprepared, knocked unconscious. The sheer force of this blow sends her rapidly drifting away through space. Ronin is distracted, turning to fly after her - “Nooo!” – when another tentacle encircles him, pulling him back toward the giant eyeball.

Ronin grabs onto God’s health bar at the top of the screen, holding on with all his might while the tentacle attempts to pull him down. This struggle ensues for several minutes until the tension is just unbearable, but Ronin is awesomely strong and won’t give in, even when God’s remaining tentacles wrap around the central one to form thicker, stronger binding like a giant rope made from octopus flesh. Eventually all of the tentacles just snap at the weak points in the middle, reducing God’s health bar to nothing. Ronin lets go and pries himself loose from the dead tentacles. He looks frantically around the void of space, but Destiny is nowhere to be seen amongst the cloud of debris, corpses and robot parts. The swordship is billowing smoke in the distance, badly damaged.

God says, “You may have defeated me, Ronin, but at what cost?”

Ronin turns back to face the giant eyeball. “I won’t make the mistake of thinking you have been defeated just yet, Father.”

Ronin uses his remaining Super Saiyan energy and turns into a human fireball that flies into the centre of the giant eyeball like a guided missile. After breaking through the eyeball crust and penetrating deep layers of gore, Ronin finds himself in the planet’s core. The screen goes white. Everything is silent. Then we fade back to witness a surprisingly tranquil scene.

Here, the view is a pristine beach at sunrise. The sky has a powerful orange hue, casting its light upon the endless white shoreline where a single wooden bench faces the horizon. The music is sweet and soft strings, like the theme to Forrest Gump, celebrating the beauty of both the scene and what Ronin has accomplished.

Ronin, having returned to his normal form, slowly descends from the sky and sits down upon the bench to look at the sunrise. Here the music grows louder and more magnificent; we’ve reached the climax. From over Ronin’s shoulder, we are able to see that the horizon is not actually where the sky meets the ocean, but where the ocean meets a giant vagina the colour of the sunrise. The sun itself is the blazing light emanating from the clitoris. It is hauntingly beautiful, like a Salvador Dali painting if he’d decided to paint female genitalia instead of constantly painting his own.

God speaks. His voice is carried on the wind from the horizon, now sounding far more composed, relaxed. It’s like Patrick Stewart on Vicodin.

“Hello, Ronin.”

“Hello, Father.”

The wind caresses Ronin’s face, like God’s queef measuring its own creation.

“Do you know the sound of one hand clapping, my son?”

Ronin claps with one hand.

“Ah, very good. Very good. I knew you would have the answer. There have been many who tried locating me over the past ten thousand millennia, but none have been successful. Oh, sure, there were some who came near. Like the ninja robots. I adopted them, of course. I loved them, as I love all things. I made them harder, better, stronger, faster; sharing the music of Daft Punk with them. But there are none I have allowed to come this close, my son. You are the first, the last and the only. You are the finest of my creations, Ronin.”

Ronin says nothing.

“You know how proud I am of you, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You know I was hoping you’d win, don’t you?”

“I suspected.”

“Why is it you wish to destroy me, Ronin?”

“Because you are the cause of all bloodshed across the universe.”

God has to think about this for a moment. “Yes, I suppose that I am. Perhaps, because I have never felt true pain, I have never respected the suffering of my creations.”

Ronin gets up from the bench, walking forward into ankle-deep water. There, he kneels, scooping up sand with both hands to make a tightly-packed ball. He stands like a baseball pitcher and throws the ball of sand across the ocean into God’s vagina.

“Now I have sand in my vagina. The sensation is quite irritating.”

“Now you understand suffering.”

God cries with both happiness and pain. His vagina begins to secrete tears which amass in a tsunami that builds upon the horizon.

“Thankyou, Ronin. I finally understand.”

“The only hope of ending the bloodshed comes with your own demise, Father. You know this to be true.”

“Yes. You are right. It’s all my fault.”

“You know what you have to do.”

“Yes, now I finally know. Thankyou for imparting the wisdom that I was lacking, Ronin. Thankyou for giving me true pain. You have shown me the error of my ways. You must go now, my son.”

An alarm system begins to sound. The sky flashes red as the tsunami builds, a towering wave that rushes toward the shore, blotting out the sunlight. A robotic female voice says: “SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATED. THIRTY SECONDS UNTIL SELF-DESTRUCT.”

Ronin says, “Goodbye, Father.”

He flies away just as the tsunami violently erodes the beach, obliterating the bench and filling the screen with bubbling vaginal secretions.

In outer space we can see Ronin flying away from the giant eyeball planet, which grows brighter and brighter in the background until it goes supernova, exploding like a billion Death Stars.

Later, Ronin sits upon an asteroid in the depths of space. He is alone now, stricken with grief and depression. It’s the most emotion we’ve ever seen him display. He has succeeded in his mission to kill God, but he failed to protect Destiny. He doesn’t know where she is or how to find her. In a situation like this, samurai custom dictates that he commit seppuku (suicide). He contemplates the blade in his hands. He’s just preparing to disembowel himself when suddenly-

A DeLorean DMC-12 pulls up alongside the asteroid in a screech of brakes. It hovers there for a moment before the passenger door opens with a pneumatic hiss. We can see the driver is actually none other than Doc Brown (special guest star Christopher Lloyd)!

“Ronin!” Doc Brown says urgently. “I’ve been to the future and figured out how to save Destiny! Now we have to go back in time!”

Ronin’s face lights up with joy. He dives inside the vehicle and the door closes behind him. The DeLorean flies off through space, leaving fiery trails in its wake as Doc Brown and Ronin embark on their mission to save Destiny, travelling through time at 88mph…

TO BE CONTINUED.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 24th, 2009 at 10:35 am and is filed under Imaginary Screenplays. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.