Stella loves the ol cathode ray tube box, God bless her. She enjoys watchin her stories so darn much that we decided to sell our prized vintage bust of Uncle Remus’ Zip-ah-Dee-Doo-Dah’n phallus to get ourselves the cable installed, just so’s she could experience a live transmission from the comfort of her buffalo-hide Lay-Z-Boy. But my good ol self? Aw, hell, I’m a simple fella. As long as there’s coffee in the pot, sirloin in the fridge and dynomight on the porch what I can throws at em tourists drive by our place, ol Red’s just happy to sit back and take nary a glance at the boob-tube. Real world’s plenty interestin enough, aint it?

The other day, however, curiosity got the better o my Dixie heart an I figured what I’d plug myself in to sample me some 2009 pop culture. No faster n my finger hit the ‘GO’ button did a curious documentary appear on HBO bout vampires what’re livin large as un-life in the sweet ol South. I’m talking bout a show’s called True Blood.

Bein a documentary an all, them creators are showin the world how swift we been overtaken. It’s a known fact what vampires are growin round the South faster n my neighbor Wayne can pleasure a screamin hog. At first I was only seein em when I ventured home from the tavern at night. All pale skin an dark eyeliner, dressed head n toe in black pitch as a bottomless outhouse, gathered in packs on street corners listenin to awful music on them boom boxes, lookin all mopey with them lopsided fringes hangin down in their eyes, wearin spiked collars like a pit bull terrier. In my neck o the woods, them vampires initially seemed to be convertin teenagers exclusively. Least that’s where it started, anyways. But I just find myself aksin, “What kinda moron reckons it’s a good idea trappin anyone inside a sullen teenage body for an eternity? What kinda fool vampire wants to be stuck with the company of a whiny brat for the rest o their endless days?”

It don’t make no sense to me, but I ain’t no expert on vampire psychology, neither. Before them vampires come to town, the only bloodsuckers we knew of round here was the Crockford Sisters, who frequent the Confederate Tavern most nights lookin for another soul to drain. Many a poor young sap hopped up on moonshine has taken one a these succubi home only to wake up in the mornin with every cigarette in the house stolen and a hellfire burnin of the johnson.

Now we got this younger breed to contend with – and they’s started to infect the rest o the population. It’s gettin harder to pick a vampire by appearance alone, too. Not all vampires is flamboyantly dressed blowhards anymore. Many of the local vamps are just unfortunate souls makin the best with whats they got. My buddy O’Delle Chemp got himself bit and turned a few months back, but he’s takin it on the chin like the best of us Southern Boys. Says he gets by fine, long as he wears sunscreen and sticks to drinkin from heathens such as Buddhists and Mormons. He also says, due to his newfound regenerative abilities, what he’s even become the state’s largest donator of body organs for the sick and needy. Now that’s a right Christian act indeed.

So I has to say them vampires ain’t all bad – even though Jackson Stonewall has gotta watch over his cattle with a shotgun every night to ensures them bovines don’t get drained. Ain’t much different to chasin negroes off the plantation, though. Sure, them bloodsuckers move fast, but most a the folk round here been masterin the quick-draw since the day God invented the Smith ‘n Wesson and passed it down to Abraham ter shoot Isaac. Hell, I been shootin lead even since fore I knew how to consciously pass wind. Scored my very first Bald Eagle kill at the age o nine months. You give Stella a strong whiskey tonic, she could shoot the nuts off a duck from six hunnert feet away with a .44 Colt. And she has done, too. I’ll tell you right now, nuthin beats a nice glass of home brewed ciantie with some beans n duck gonads. So, basically, we got no problem chasin them undesirable vampire types away round here. Procuring silver bullets ain’t no biggie nowadays, either. I hear they come free with every sloppy joe you buy from Good Burger. Even get yerself a stake with every steak, too.

I can’t right say where them True Blood creators get this vampire “glamourin” business from, though. See, them bloodsuckers on TV can hypnotize mortals with their eyes or somethin. They calls it glamourin for some reason. Jed Jepkins is bout as close as we come to havin a man bein able to glamour someone round here. Poor sumabitch had a problem few years back with a bottle o whiskey and a gator in heat. Now he’s got an intact bottle o Jack embedded in the right side a his face. On special occasion ol Jed’ll pour you a nip from his head-bottle, and, for those brief seconds, the man has every single atom of your attention. Still, even he ain’t never charmed me against my will like them TV vampires does to ordinary folks.

Them True Blood creators seem to be takin liberties with this shapeshifter business, too. They gots a fella what can turn himself into a dog. Not some mean-ass Cujo, neither. He turns into a cute lil doggie instead. Sure, Cousin Bo turns into a complete jerk after couple dozen drinks, but I ain’t never seen him literally turn into a pig. It just don’t make sense to this ol timer why the makers of this here program would twist the truth so virulently. Just when you reckon they’s sharin the awful truth with the rest o America, they throws in all this other shit what doesn’t make sense. HBO must be run by Democrats, squeezing propaganda into every frame. Such a lack of journalistic integrity makes a man pine for William O’Reilly and the Fox Force Five.

It’s true what the vampire plague is rampant across my beloved South right now, but none a y’all should assume True Blood represents the actual facts. On Sunday nights, instead o watchin lies purportin as truths on the boob tube, you’ll find ol’ Red out on the porch instead, sittin in my comfy rocker with a loaded shotgun, just waitin to pump several rounds a buckshot into my very first werewolf.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 7th, 2009 at 9:04 pm and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.