Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it: fuck the Kokoda Nine.

They’re all over the fucking media like herpes on a hooker’s cunt and we’re being made to feel sorry for these victims purely because they’re Australian. In the August 13th edition of The Courier-Mail this tragic plane crash was occupying at least five pages throughout the paper – including full-page spreads. I know you’re thinking that I’m a heartless prick right now, but I do have a moral basis for an argument here. You see, two pages before the entertainment section in the paper there was a tiny little paragraph – about the size of your thumb – which dutifully covered Typhoon Morakot. But I’ll bet you didn’t know about Typhoon Morakot, did you?

Well, here’s how it is: Typhoon Morakot just shot his wad all over Taiwan’s face and consequently scores of people are dead, hundreds are missing and thousands are stranded. And we’re meant to give a fuck about nine Australians who got into a man-made contraption that runs on a highly-combustible chemical and launched themselves into dangerous airspace with the expectation that it would all pan out. You better believe that dog isn’t going to hunt.

But sadly that dog will hunt for many people. They buy into the bullshit expecting them to care about those stupid fucks just because they’re fellow Australians. And that’s what’s wrong with our society. Fundamentally, we’re a pack of racist cunts. We care about those ignorant fools who got into a mechanical bird that runs on firewater, and we care about stupid bitches who smuggle eight kilos of weed into Bali, but we really shouldn’t. It’s not our fault, though. It’s a fault in our DNA. We’re animals, and like animals we generally care more about people from our immediate social network or strangers we can at least relate to. We don’t care about anybody half the globe away that eats with their right hand because they wipe their arse with their left. Our public communication networks don’t help the cause, either. They tap into that inherent racism like vampires to a chick on her rag.

An Australian tragedy thus becomes a marketing goldmine. Do you have any idea how much it costs to have an advertisement run on a page with a headline like “Nine Australians Dead in Horrible Plane Crash”? More money than some of us will ever see in our lifetimes. That’s how much dirty money is involved in these things. When nine Aussies die in a plane crash, the value of advertising space in those news segments skyrockets. Hell, when there’s a large-scale tragedy (the Victorian bushfires, for example) these vultures will even put relentless status updates on television featuring interviews with the surviving victims simply to milk the event for another opportunity to place an advertisement next to a sobbing child standing in front of a burning homestead.

You’re probably thinking: “Wait a second. When the World Trade Center got it’s arse raped by one of those mechanical birds that was busting at the rim full of fire jizz, it was all over the news for weeks. So the media isn’t responsible for perpetuating our inherent animalistic racism. We do care about other countries, man.”

But once again, bubba, you are dead fucking wrong. You see, the Americans are our fuck-buddies. We don’t see them all the time, but we know they’ll always be there for us whenever we need to fire one off or need somebody to intervene in the event that someone tries to rip off our ball sack (and that would be Tasmania, if you really look at it). So when a tragedy happens to America or another of our close fuck-buddies, we almost care as much as if they were Australians. So it floods our media excessively. If you need further proof, just check out the last time a country we don’t really like – such as good old Zimbabwe – received any decent coverage. There’s shit going down over there that’ll make your worst nightmares look like a wet dream, but it just gets swept under the rug like the dirt we don’t want our friends to see.

Our biased media system is slowly destroying they key to our ultimate global survival. It’s obvious this planet ain’t going to last very long and we’ll all need to fight together against the ALFs, E.T.s, Predators, Morks, Giger Aliens, Transformers, Space Lizards, Wookies, Daleks, giant man-eating amoebas and those calamari-looking freaks like Admiral Ackbar if we really want a ticket to survival in the harsh star ocean.

Out there it’s a quantum clusterfuck of biblical proportions. They make the shit stuck in our global pipes (North Korea) look like having sex with Megan Fox. So if we want a chance at surviving out there, we’ve gotta break from this trend of not giving a shit what happens halfway across the globe and all start banding together. Because I guarantee that if we don’t, our kids are going to lose the galactic war and become slaves. History has proven that we make pretty good slaves, too.

So next time there’s an Australian tragedy, for the love of God bombard every media outlet available about how self-centred they really are. I have given you the tools to back your argument. Only together can we accomplish this.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 15th, 2009 at 1:04 pm and is filed under Survival of the Fittest. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.