So apparently the Baby Boomers have fucked themselves and it’s up to good old Generation Y to save them. That’s right, after sixty years of maliciously raping this planet the good times are coming to an end for those old cunts. They’ve caused global warming (don’t believe studies proving that it doesn’t exist; I could come up with a study proving that midgets are made of smaller cells than normal people but it wouldn’t be true, either), pollution and waste problems, many wars, a global financial pandemic, plus countless other run of the mill pandemics, the extinction of numerous flora and fauna, and to top it off they’re about to leave us in a hospital crisis that’s going to rip our country’s balls off.

‘Wait a second… what’s that about a hospital crisis and your nuts being ripped off?’

Well, think about it. What happens when a nation’s highest population demographic begins to get old, sick, frail and unable to wipe their own arses? Who pays for that kind of stuff? Well, generally the sick person should pay for it, but since many of those old planet rapers lost all of their money in the Global Financial Crisis (henceforth known as the GFC… it has a ring to it, don’t you think?) the taxpayers will have to foot the bill… and pay the ridiculous retirement packages of politicians. I mean fucking seriously, have you seen their flight allowance? That dog should not fucking hunt.

A dog that CAN hunt.

But do you see the ball-ripping yet? When all these old fuckers are about to die in the arse, we’re going to be paying their medical expenses… and considering how many of those zombies there are it isn’t going to be cheap. Plus, we’re going to need way more doctors, and it won’t be easy for us, either, because we prefer the greater things in life (alcohol, music, spreading STDs, pot and iPhones) over doing medical study. The funny thing is, right when those old bastards are about to need our help they’re starting to turn on us.

Ever since Ma and Pa lost their wads of dough to the GFC, countless youths and students are being kicked out of home because their parents are no longer able to financially support them. How they think their child can support themselves when they can’t even support themselves is a complete loss to me, but I think nonetheless it’s fucking awesome. Now, when the shit hits the fan and they’re jonesing for a hospital bed, we can turn around and say ‘Fuck you’ right back at them. Need a bed because you’re old and suffering from Alzheimer’s? Well, remember how we had to rough it out when we were young and got kicked out of home? And now we have to fork over another 30% tax to undo the damage you zombies have done to our planet and economy? That’s right. No bed. Now go die in the cold.

Okay… maybe I’m just bitter at old people. Especially politicians. But working in the liquor industry does that to you. Especially with politicians and dealing hands-on with the effects of their stupid decisions. Each time a new government takes over the country they always seem to have a certain campaign in mind when they take office. Most campaigns have been actual problems of a legal nature that affect the country like speed, ecstasy, marijuana, fighting, speeding (funnily enough never cocaine) and terrorism. The Rudd Government, on the other hand, had a different topic in mind: they decided to attack two of the things that make Australia what it is. Binge drinking and cigarettes. But why would a fine Aussie cobber do such reprehensible things to their beloved citizens? Well, the answer is obvious: Kevin Rudd fucking despises young people and his own country.

If you need further proof just check out his policies. They’re pretty clear on where Rudd’s loyalties lie. Why else would he only increase a tax on drinks that are designed for youth consumption? My guess, as to why he hates the younger generation and his country, is that his youth must have sucked balls. And anyone thinking, ‘Well, maybe Kevin Rudd doesn’t hate young people, maybe he doesn’t suck balls and he’s doing this for the protection of the Australian population?’

You’re dead wrong.

There is further evidence of Kevin Rudd hating children. Back when he was a little tacker Mr. Rudd was actually part of the Chinese Youth Communist Party. And I don’t think I need to tell anyone how much the Chinese hate freedom, love and children. With the birth restrictions and refusing to recognise children if they’re from a family of more than one child, that shit’s just self explanatory, bubba.

The cigarettes, though? That’s a completely different beast to the whole binge drinking thing. You see the Chinese don’t have anything against cigarettes. The Chinese are some of the most avid smokers on the planet – even babies smoke over there (but that’s also because they’re trying to kill them). So why would Kevin Rudd turn his back on his old fuck-buddy China and go against something that they love so much? It’s because Kevin Rudd has an addiction to war, and, since actual war isn’t fashionable nowdays, he has to grieve his petty personal wars on the country. Smoking has been a thorn in Rudd’s side ever since he was born as it represents the one thing he’ll never have. Coolness. And as everyone knows coolness is generally derived from smoking. Even Obama smokes.

Ruddiger Whalewolf’s ‘Vigo the Carpathian and the River of Slime No. 2′

The war on cigarettes also serves another motive, however. Once Rudd’s campaign against pre-mixed drinks backfired, he needed another way to fall back into the favour of the public. And since he’d just burnt every single bridge he’d strived to build with the population under 25, he had to find a new demographic to dig his vulture claws into. That demographic was the very crowd he’d turned his back on in the ‘07 electoral campaign: the conservatives.

Conservatives hate only one thing more than rash spending and impulsive actions, and that’s free will. I mean cigarettes. Don’t ask why, but every conservative person you ever meet will have an absolute hatred for smoking, smokers and anything to do with the carcinogenic by-products created by smokers. It’s eternal law, and if you ever meet a conservative that does smoke you’ve met one of the undercover hippies attempting to infiltrate the ranks of the conservative union in order to bring down their society and re-grass every road and pavement mankind has ever made. 

The Hippy Liberation Leader celebrating as a city is demolished in order to become a bird sanctuary.

There’s really nothing to fear, though. The hippies will never win that war, and in less than twenty-five years the country will belong to Generation Y. And we’ll be able to do what we choose with it. Personally, I think that we should dig up the bodies of every Baby Boomer and desecrate their corpses like they desecrated our free will. And by free will, I mean not being able to drink in public and smoke in a pub. I mean, seriously, not being able to smoke in a fucking pub? Are you kidding me? The baby boomers lived during the height of the asbestos days, were allowed to drink and drive, and meanwhile we aren’t even allowed a little smoke in a pub because some conservative codger is afraid that the tiny amounts of second-hand smoke is going to instantly infect them with lung cancer.

The point is: the Baby Boomers need to watch their fucking backs. They’ve been nipping away at the hand that’s going to feed them, and that’s never a good idea.

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: This article was supposed to be ‘a bit of a laugh’. It’s complete fiction and should not be taken seriously under any circumstances as no formal research was undertaken. Failure to view this article as nonsense will result in prosecution and probably a serious beat down for taking me seriously. Also, Buckshot Sundae does not hate baby boomers or the Chinese.

We do, however, hate conservatives.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 4th, 2009 at 11:54 pm and is filed under Survival of the Fittest. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.