Hello again, Buckshot fans!

It’s been a while since I last stopped in round these parts, but I’m sure that we still remember how this works. Let’s get right to it, shall we? 

Dear Guru,

My partner and I had been dating for seven months before we decided to move in together. He was practically living at my place, anyway. But it’s like he’s become a whole different person now! He never used to leave piles of dirty laundry on my floor when he stayed over he cooked his own meals the couple of times when I came over to his place for dinner, but now I do all the cooking. He moved in his giant television and just wants to play videogames all the time. And I think maybe he’s an alcoholic. He drinks two six-packs of beer EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

Help me!

-Distressed

Dear Distressed,

This advice column is for people with serious problems. What you have is a boyfriend. You wanted to live with a man, right? Sounds like you got one. I’ll bet he even likes watching the football, too. You got off easy. He doesn’t beat you or host orgies in the bedroom, does he?

I suspect that you were shopping in the wrong aisle, honey. The sculpting clay is never kept with the available men.

Dear Guru,

I can’t pee standing up.

Just in case you’re wondering: I’m a guy.

Hey guy,

This sounds like a more advanced symptom of the male medical condition known as ‘stage fright’. Early signs of stage fright include the inability to pee while using public urinals, and a mild genital rash. This disease can lead to dementia and even death. You should take a diuretic six times a day for the rest of your life. If you begin to sweat and suffer heart palpitations while attempting to pee, or your pee goes red, do not see a trained medical professional, even if your kidneys shut down. You are a man, and men do not seek the advice of doctors. That would be an admission of weakness. Suck it up, buddy.

And good luck.

Dear Guru,

A few weeks ago my son returned to my doorsteps after 6 years with no contact. He looked quite different with full-body tattoos I think he hasn’t slept since I last seen him. He asked me to let him move into the basement. His only posession was a high school chemistry set. My son was never the same after we bought him that chemistry set. But we’re getting along great – I just don’t get to see him now that he’s changed the locks on the basement door. I don’t know what he’s doing down there, but the house is beginning to reek like sulphur. At first I worried that he might be worshipping the devil, but then he gave me a gas mask to wear for my own safety, which seems like a Christian gesture. But if hes not worshipping Satan down there what else could he possibly be doing?

Might my son be gay? How can I tell?

Ted Stevenson

Ted,

Does your son smoke a dick-shaped pipe? Does he make crepes while dressed in Rocky Horror Picture Show attire? No? He’s probably just cooking meth. Regardless of your son’s sexual orientation, you can always be proud in the knowledge that he’s providing an invaluable resource to society. Legions of politicians, police officers and child surgeons would not be able to perform their jobs without your son’s product. As a father, it’s your job to ensure that he’s flooding the streets with high-quality crystal and not the typical brown crap that passes for an 8-ball these days. Sampling the product would also be a great way to bond with your son. Drugs have a tendency to force people apart, so it’s always nice to find some way to be together.

Dear Guru,

I fear that my son has an internet addiction. He seems to be spending all of his time on the computer. Surely he’s seen everything by now, right? I know he hasn’t seen any sunlight for weeks now. What can I do?

- Concerned Mother

Word to the Mother,

You should invest in a reverse Internet Nanny programme. Typically these block undesirable content for concerned parents, but what your son needs in this situation is more depraved content. Hours of watching grown men insert Coke bottles into their anus will surely cure him of this affliction. When taboo is all that’s available, he’ll soon grow bored and seek the outside world again.

Guru,

I think my daughter might be a slut. She wears very revealing clothing and always seems to be sucking on a lollipop. She also seems to be with a different guy every week. Sometimes she even leaves the house with a car packed FULL of guys. Like a whole football team. She does not seem to have any female friends, either. I fear that she’s just being used by every single boy at her school. What can I do?

- Anonymous

Hey Anonymous,

I’ll hit you with a scientifically proven fact: some chicks just love dick. Hell, some chicks actually need a cock to start the day. They can’t survive without it. And if you try changing your daughter’s slutty ways… she could actually die. It’s like cutting off the blood source to a vampire. Without dick she’ll explode when exposed to sunlight. If you want your daughter to live, encourage regular gangbangs so that she doesn’t go through cock withdrawal (which can be very difficult for parents to witness). You might also consider prostitution. Many prostitutes earn enough money to make investment bankers look like gas station attendants, so this could turn into a lucrative deal for you. If you encourage prostitution with all of your daughters you could live like a queen on all of that cooze-cash. Think about it.

That’s it for now, but if any readers need advice just e-mail your questions to the Guru via buckshotsundae@hotmail.com

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 12:11 pm and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.